


Superheroes in Retail

by Bakurakrazie



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Blood and Injury, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:27:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27850822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bakurakrazie/pseuds/Bakurakrazie
Summary: Based off afake fic titlefrom delimeful on tumblr.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 45





	Superheroes in Retail

**Author's Note:**

> Aka Oh god I _am_ the maple syrup drowned enemies

Virgil had definitely seen and experienced a lot in his short life. He'd crashed a local parade in costume, spreading a wave of chaos and fear throughout the city, block by block. He'd faced down a horde of black Friday shoppers the day after an accidental two-for-one coupon had been printed in the circular. He'd even come in third place in a talent contest that he hadn't even entered in the first place. 

But now, well, he was in a Situation. It deserved the capital letter. He'd just been innocently stocking shelves, on the late shift as usual, trying desperately to fade into the background so customers wouldn't bother him, to no such luck. He visibly cringed as he heard the damnable automatic doors open and someone call out to him. 

"Ex...cuse...me..." the customer wheezed out. Virgil sighed to himself, assuming that this idiot had run all the way to the store to get his late night bulk maple syrup that was on sale to put onto his breakfast foods, or use as moisturizer, or chug shots of, or drown his enemies in, or whatever. Maybe he'd just ask Virgil several times where an item was, while staring the giant signage for said item dead-on.

He plastered on his best customer service smile, which he was proud to say was not that good, and turned. 

"Hello, how may I help oh my god." And there, clutching onto the caution wet floor sign (which, it wasn't, he had no idea why they left it by the entrance,) was one of his mortal enemies. 

Okay, maybe that was a little dramatic, but it was one of the heroes that was always trying to best him and save innocent people and prevent him from doing his evil deeds and blah, blah, whatever they were always prattling on about. He knew, in fact, that it was SuperNerd, or whatever he was actually called, because he was still in costume... mostly.

The right arm of his suit had been completely torn off. On top of that, he was bleeding from several different cuts, and had a big gash on his leg. From what he could see of his face, it looked like he had a nasty bruise, too. He had bruises other places, and looked generally roughed up, and his costume frayed. 

Virgil gulped. Okay, so there was no way he knew who he was. Even if he did, Virgil had no impact on why he was so beaten up right now. This was just a coincidence. An unfortunate coincidence. A very big, bad, unfortunate coincidence. 

He idly wondered where Dudley Do-Right and His Royal Whineness were, and damn, that was a good one he'd have to remember that for another time. The trio was almost always together, whether staking out a place, or working together to defeat him, and wasn't that a little overkill, he was only one guy. Although, it was also kind of flattering that they needed the three of them to take him down...

But in the meantime, his harrowed hero was still there, starting to slump over where he stood, one eyelid flickering, ready to close. So, Virgil did the only thing he could think of.

"Hello, sir, welcome to Kalmart, I see you're in need of some assistance," his customer service smile, already strained, twitched a little as he watched the hero jolt at his loud, firm tone. He tried to ignore his instinct to jump behind a building to protect himself from what was sure to be an incoming attack, but then immediately gave in to that instinct as he ducked into the next aisle to grab the first aid kit that was hanging there on the wall. 

He speed-walked back, and all but shoved the kit into his hands as he repeated the 'difficult customer mantra' to himself. _CALM; be Calm, Apologize, Listen, and get a Manager._

He cleared his throat and took a deep breath in and out. _Calm._ "I'm sorry that you're inconvenienced." _Apologize._ "If you could describe your problem to me, then I could do my best to resolve it." Virgil watched as the hero blinked slowly, then his head lolled to one side, as he peered his eyes together, squinting at him. 

"I was assaulted in a villainous attack, while attempting to protect the city, and am in dire need of medical assistance." If he weren't so sure he was out of it, Virgil would have sworn that he was being deadpan on purpose. 

"I'm sorry that that's happened to you, sir," _Apologize_ again for good measure, "and rest assured, we'll make sure you get the medical treatment you need," _Listen,_ "I'll just need to get my manager, he'll be more than happy to help you." _Get. A. Manager._

"Wh-" But Virgil had already swiftly turned around and walked away. As he headed towards the breakroom, he stopped by the customer service desk where his manager was tiredly explaining to a woman that she couldn't get the product she wanted, because the factory had temporarily closed, therefore they didn't have any in the store. 

"Well, do you know when they're getting it in, then?!" She huffed, "I came all the way out, it was a forty minute drive, _just_ for it, could you call me when it comes in?"

"Excuse me, sorry to interrupt," Virgil interrupted, not sorry at all, even as the woman glared at him, "but there appears to be a superhero bleeding out by the paper goods, if you'd like to take care of that." Remy leaned forward, peering past the shockingly long line considering the late hour, until he spotted the hero, still dripping onto the tile. 

The effect was instantaneous, Remy stood bolt upright, already stumbling out from behind the counter.

"Bitch, why didn't you page me, this is important, I swear if you're pranking me, I'm moving you to the customer service desk for a year," he pulled out his personal store intercom, hitting an extension, and slammed the 'Sorry, we're closed' sign down on the counter. He ran, speaking into his device, calling for someone with access to an outside line. 

Virgil shoved his hands in his pockets, continuing the leisurely stroll to the breakroom. He pushed through the door, then swung around to the phone, letting it close behind him. He picked up the reciever, punching in the extension for store-wide announcements. 

"Maintenance," his voice was light and smooth, "please report to aisle ten for a biological spill, maintenance, aisle ten for biological spill, thank you." As he hung up, he knew Remy would probably get him back for that, but, he flopped into a chair, kicking his feet up onto another one, he decided it was worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> [My tumblr!](https://bilgisticallykosher.tumblr.com/post/636447792064331776/superheroes-in-retail)
> 
> Fun game, I work in a supermarket, figure out what's based on personal experience. 
> 
> Also, I didn't remember when I wrote this that CALM is another way that people indicate LAMP, so that wasn't intentional, that is legitimately the acronym we were taught in orientation.


End file.
